Life and the many changes

Many people will read this and wonder what is going on and how they can help. That answer is up to the person and how they feel they can help the best. Over the past few months I have been dealing with issues and looking back on the birth of the twins. I have finally realized that I never truly dealt with the birth and the tragic events that surrounded them.

The most heart wrenching part that I have not shared with many is that Gabby was just about to be coded before her heart finally started beating. She laid on the table in the OR fighting for her life for 9 minutes with no oxygen or a heartbeat. They did everything they could possibly do and it was up to her. Since then she has been a fighter in so many ways. To look at her today no one would ever know what a fight she started out in life. 

I still struggle on a daily basis wondering what "I did wrong" that caused them to be born so early. The quesitons that I go through my head all the time

 Maybe I should not have gotten up and taken that shower that morning.

Maybe I should not have gone to the grocery store the day before.
Should I have laid down all day and not sat in the recliner that day.

 

I want to be a better mother and wife to my family. There are days when I struggle the most to figure out how to do that. Sure people will tell me that I am doing awesome but unless you feel it inside there is no point in hearing it all the time.

I am cutting back on facebook and the amount of time that is spent online for may reason. Mostly so I can focus on "me" and how I can get better in life.